XXXXIII
I never developed a secure attachment
So I'm asking for you
To grasp my mentality
And to stop grabbing a hold of me
I don't like the feeling of drowning
But holding onto dead weight
Feels just as lonely
Possessive like y'all own me
I'm just a thought of your hindsight
And there will never be another like me
I'm right out of my mind
Feeling left out of your heart
I just need you to wake up next to me for security
Lonely when you are in my company
Something must be wrong with me
My self loathing self love
Couldn't amount to the parts of
Me that you couldn't consume
These projections don't sound like healthy I statements but at some point when it comes to you
I am sick of myself Blame
And this bathroom mirror
ain't getting clearer the louder
I think
Fuck what you heard and your
Inability to really feel,
Love surpasses lifetimes
And I am not willing to live a lifetime
Lie
-Sunny
Mediocre-Needy-Ogre
My friends keep me motivated, grounded, human.
I'm a loose excuse when they don't hold me to the intentions that I tend to waste.
I want to be great.
At something. Anything.
Preferably writing, performing, loving. I want the world to acknowledge me. Know that I'm here. A million miles away but I can still relate despite all the language and cultural barriers because we all hurt the same.
I want God to believe in me.
So much so the grace granted to me glows when I'm at my lowest point and the people can see even a wretch like me is worthy of a spiritual bail out.
I talked to an old flame today that's still burning like a thousand gallons of gasoline.
All I did was tell her what she already knew.
There's something about resonance that makes words ring true. It wasn't even good news. But it settled her spirit and gave her the comfort she needed.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a hack. People just putting me on a pedestal and no matter how I react they're just like "Wow! That's what I needed to see or here." Is it really? Or do they just want to know something they believe in is real, acknowledged them, not just lifeless stone.
I put my beliefs in daily miracles. Miracles like waking up, glad I didn't die in my sleep.
It just as easily could have happened, especially the way I breathe when I clock out for the fight.
Ideally, I'd want a mansion the size of Sam's Club.
Where all of my friends and family could all live together.
That would be cool.
I miss so many of them but we all get distracted by what's right in front of us some bonds have dust settled on them in the back of our minds that we don't clean off unless its birthday or reunion time.
I moved a lot growing up.
Still do today.
I had to develops a skill for easily making friends to survive.
I could couch surf coast to coast if I get the right wind in my spirit to do so.
My guest room could easily be a booked hostel for years to come.
My laughs are infinite and my ears are constantly ringing
I just wish I knew who was calling in.
I want to be great.
At something.
I think today I will be.
You still won't love me. But that's ok. I'm not blue in the face, just blue.
But I will be great today.
I have too many hopes weighing on me not to.
-DCR
Eat shit and…..live.
So in late November of last year I had a bout of flu and food poisoning which my wonderful doctor prescribed (as always) antibiotics to quell the feelings of nausea and sickness.
It is the ‘kill everything in your stomach’ philosophy which eliminates the bad microbes along with the good.
I felt awful and lethargic until I started taking ‘probiotics’ the ‘good bacteria’ which replaces the microbial balance in our guts.
After a few days of taking the pills I felt better and had more energy. The modern approach to diet, living, environmental issues and the use of antibiotics in farm animals have essentially decimated our ‘effective use’ of these important germs to the extent that things like obesity, mental issues and even cancer have significantly higher rates.
The research and results substantiate that having a good vs bad gut can have a huge effect with disease and even influence mood swings and mental disorders.
We are all aware of the sanitization products that we are constantly told to use and I have no problem with cleanliness, but when antibiotics that have been used i.e., in the dairy and meat industries how can we regulate the intake of such things?
One of the things that is recommended is to have a ‘fecal transplant’. Yes you read it right. This is where healthy, microbial rich fecal matter is given to a recipient mainly in the form of an enema.
It has been mainly used to treat a dangerous bug called Clostridium difficile which is life threatening and causes in excess of 100,000 deaths per year.
This treatment is not new, in fact those brilliant Chinese used fecal transplantation thousands of years ago where it was called ‘yellow soup’.
So (if you can get over the gag reflex) a bowl of fecal matter and water was given to the patient who drunk it. YUMM.
Please Sir may I have some more. Now there are pills available, if not, take probiotics on a regular basis.
-TDB.
March 7, 2014
